Title: Jesus Saves
Summary: ... the rest of you take damage.
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts II
Warnings: crack!fic, one-shot
A/N: This is not meant to be very long at all. It’s definitely a crack!Axel fic. And some of you may have clicked thanks to the title, so I’ll explain now that no, no this is not a fic where Axel goes Christian and is trying to convert his pet rock collection. Yes, I am a Christian, but that has no bearing whatsoever on the fact that this little flash-fic is simply a parody. :3 Thanks. Please enjoy!
It had been an exceptionally bad day for me. I wasn’t even trying and for some reason, everyone was after my head. Well, everyone except Superior and his little sidekick, Saïx. Because, of course, they both had other things to attend to, like the rest of us didn’t.
Nonetheless, it started with Marluxia and ended myself surrounded by nine very angry Organization members, with the door to Roxas’s room at my back.
I had been walking the grounds innocently enough. Bored, hell yes, but I wasn’t looking to set anything on fire. Least of all, Marluxia’s flowerbeds. Honestly, he should have picked a better spot. When I set fire to one of the birds in the sky, how was I supposed to know that the damned thing would land right in the middle of his precious flowers?
Besides, if I had done so on purpose, I wouldn’t have been nearly so stupid to do it while he was actually there. And so help me, it’s not fair that he has a scythe. When he’s swinging that around, I can’t get close with my chakrams. Hello long-ranged weapon.
The natural reaction would be to create a portal and get the hell out of there. So, it wasn’t exactly my fault that when I ran through the portal that I ran straight into Luxord. The fact that all the munny he’d been counting fell into a gutter wasn’t my fault either. Too bad for me, no one ever really cared.
So, there I was, backing away. I wasn’t going to make any sudden movements. It might have brought him out of his shock. I was almost gone when Xaldin clapped his large hand on my shoulder and dragged me back to the scene. “What’s the hurry, Axel” my ass. So, I was pinned there with Luxord and Xaldin.
I noticed Larxene out of the corner of my eye, though. And it just so happened that I had heard an interesting little tidbit about Xaldin walking in on her in the showers. Though she didn’t know. But how can I help it when the news slips out of my mouth just a little bit too loud?
At least her punch stunned him long enough to let me get away. But, oh she looked positively livid.
So what if I turned to laugh at them for a moment before finally running away? So what if they followed me and Luxord was faster than I thought he’d be? Zexion really should have been watching where he was going. In fact, he’s lucky I pushed him into a cabinet instead of letting him get trampled. I honestly don’t see why he’s so angry with me.
I guess it’s like a domino effect, because then Xigbar came out of no where and he was already shooting at me. But that’s like him. He sees a chase, and he automatically has to join in. So, it was completely my fault that he missed me and instead hit Demyx’s sitar.
Oh well. It’s not like Demyx is very threatening anyway.
But it’s really tragic how bad of a shot Xigbar really is. While aiming at me, he hit Lexaeus and Vexen, and I got to take all the blame for it. What’s worse, Marluxia came running around the corner. I guess he finally realized what the commotion was.
So, I run to Roxas. After all, he’d help me right?
Wrong. The venture ended with a door slammed in my face and nine volatile Nobodies around me.
So, that’s how I came to be here. I was looking for anything that might save me some trouble, and for some reason these words came to mind.
“Let he who has no fault cast the first stone,” I said as seriously as I could.
You know, whoever said those words… I highly doubt he was the one who was about to be stoned to death.